Poem: What To Feel. – Spoken Word and Text – 11/07/20

Can I feel the moment?
This fateful occasion heralding?
When I realise that
things have been growing
and stirring,
how this is not
how the interior
was once mapped,
the scanning reveals a foreboding view.
 
I am astounded,
into fearfulness I’ve
been slapped,
 
my duty of care to myself
is incredibly important,
because, what I am pre-empting,
the consequences, the conclusion,
may all be my fault;
the past is a regrettable fact.
 
I’ve been told not to worry,
to please, return in two years,
I will return sooner, because,
what was discovered
causes my inherent fear to drive
its nail nearer,
its harsh end forces me to
dread and shudder.
 
Literature also informs
me to not necessarily worry,
but how can I not?
I am stuck, stuck, stuck,
in that moment,
during that phone call,
test results later numbly held in hand,
the fact that
growths are present
sends me into a firm, well-stated panic.
 
And sadly, I begin
to contemplate those who are important,
because how would they
feel if I were to leave
prematurely, if you will,
 
these are certain lives
I’m interwoven with,
fiercely, with love,
and who would wish for what I fear?
For what I’m envisaging,
the future truth will be but my curse.  
 
Am I overly paranoid or concerned?
Worrying for nothing?
I think not,
though,
why whine?
The results were benign,
 
I am aware of this reality,
but those occupying space within my body,
their unwelcome appearance,
I know they can easily alter their composition,
subtly morph into evil and became further invasive.
 
All I can do is wait and take care of myself,
and become calm,
anything but nervous, panicked, or agitated.

A/N: I wrote this piece to settle myself, and to centre my sense of internal gravity again. I wasn't sure whether to post this as it's very personal, but I thought maybe it may help someone out there, or allow them to relate to my emotions.
© 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.  

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