I rise from the moments scattered casually, and where they laid, my visions of prismatic colours flourish, fistfuls scattered like ashes across grains of coloured sand,
away,
with the notice of eyes, heavy judgement, cataclysmic annulment, these vivid pencils so unpragmatic,
I know that once in a while I must soar further than I could previously rise, purity is henceforth an anomaly, a broken token white rabbit, sacrificial totem.
The very first moment I leant in for your kiss, I’d been waiting most of the morning, watching your careful moving lips.
With bliss abounding, I had spoken with abandon, so ecstatic I was to be in your presence,
and seated next to you, my heart raced, my breath held, bated, surely you could see, feel the rich desperation, my need, for your touch, underscored by your vermillion crease.
You were hesitant, for unknown reasons I watched your body stiffen, unsure it seemed you were, to accept excitable desire toward you, perhaps fearful of such nearness.
With a quick peck on billowy cushions, disappointed somewhat, I retracted, dejected, it swims through my innards, a scourge, fresh disease, I could not wipe the sadness from my shuttered eyelids, was ‘playfully shy’ your process?
I protest with these lips, beseech you to explain away your fears, attempts to allay mine of not being enough, of being too eager, too excitable, too weird, is my pressuring too rough, am I not the girl you wanted, am I not the presence desired, if not, annihilate this morning, embarrassment bleeding, as your stuttering excuses start…
The whispers that never end, quiet murmuring in the wind, heavy on circumstance and light on dividends, powerful words hissed just because the winter’s breath felt it right, due course, of course, syllables travel while wounding, into dimensional depth of night.
Carry on, unknown figure, hell-raised being who creeps and crawls while I, unknowing of vile longing, soak in your visceral and vocal offerings.
To your amazement, I enjoy the process, for I know not of paths of destiny which can be reversed. Clear up, Destiny, re-direct Fate. Do not succumb to deeply-laced hate.
I wonder to myself what happens when meeting an archetype of sorts, a pendulum swings, my thought process it threatens to break,
the song that does not end, reverberating inwards and out towards my ecstatic skin, goosebumps aroused into a state of flighty knowing, excitement as danger courses the situation; I become all-knowing.
I must learn of the circumstance, its truest form, before I move on from the pleasure of the unknown, the uncertain, anything other than the darkened norm.
A love, a love, seemingly so forlorn, I reach, let me experience your turmoil, inner hurricane, my headiness, your storm.
Angels, open my eyes to your norm. Watch me pirouette with joy as mischievously, I crush away negativity with bright, sparkling charm.
Allow me to clear my clouded mind, intentions wrought, systemic intent there to find, underscored, rightfully learning, warmth, embraces, until the waking morning.
I pass aside complaints, they no longer serve me, convoluted, they are unnecessary, they shan’t fuel like a disease for me,
for then, I can say that I have danced, an angel in my arms, decisively, decidedly so, the beings assist me to cast goodness up, away like flung seeds which will magically morph into hidden food sources underneath, quietly homegrown.
In the darkness, they will flourish, they were cautiously then confidently thrown, reaping the beneficial nature of stardust angels have imparted,
beautiful, I know,
of their blessings, their benefits, beseech the angels I do, I will entreat myself to the celestial beings before me, softly speaking, they’ve addressed my need intuitively, divine nature so pure, comfort swims before my eyes, a rich splash of electrifying blue.
If I could smile forever, would it be a blessing or torture? The relics of my past lay here, ready to plunder. Sort through the objects of murk, cast aside the intense, vile need to drink, the sunken images, the dishevelled bed, the catastrophic thoughts only I can see.
If I smiled at you, day-in, day-out, would you believe me worthy, would your infatuation remain devout? If I trust my intuition, making wise, well-formed decisions, would I ride by without guilt and indecision, always smiling unto the morning?
Sudden apprehension as I stand at your earthly shell, instant regret as I knock, ring all bells, the nervous demeanour as I seek more of you within, knocking, rap, who is there? Could you become a future next of kin?
Barrelling waves of desire as I dredge courage, haunting hour, expel from me what keeps me meek – hunting woman, be brave, elders have told me.
But, you will not budge, protected, curled, defensive ball, like a slater-bug you could be rolled in any which direction one would want you to go, but healing you choose to be, eyes closed, breath shallow, yet thoughts so heavy, I can imagine tired eyes, red, raw and bleary.
Heavenly is the state to reach, blessed be, enveloped, no more defences, arms carrying, a protector I can, I will be,
if only you’ll open the door, allow me in to see, together, let’s introspect, find the solutions which will presently free.
This time of the morning has always been good for me.
I am in control of this life, my hours, seconds, my minutes, in increments I open my eyes wide, blinking languidly.
Heavy sockets decide whether to carry on, hold onto the relics of former years, a light-worker’s mission is never done, belligerent calling, exhibited now: flashes brightening with split pictures.
I absorb each moment as it dances before me, like eager cottonwool soaking up fresh, atmospheric bliss, away with old, dim, dank gloom.
My head presently rings with glowing pains set into place, I trip, I smile, life’s somehow not gone to plan, sometimes time does go to waste.
But I embrace how unknown music rings, turns itself out, the melodious harmonies growing richer, brighter, cast aside fears, no room for doubts,
keep quiet promises near, begin to breathe intuitively, and wondering at the journey, amazingly devout, my soul is resonating with its yearning, from within, out.
Incredible joys threaten to swell with personal pride, lingering, away with irreverence, I’ll smile, much left to gain, my truest moments are beginning, I’d tried so hard, in vain,
now,
listen to me, Universe, I’m finding my path at last, no roads, no avenues, no lanes, this highway is direct, it is introspective, is intuitive, barren of old, crusted negative pains away they’ve been cast, finding true direction at last.
You, my spirit friend, are an armour. A shield against the Outside World.
You guard so I can swell with inner light, shine forth, brightly shine, sparkle, and twirl.
You accompany me as my life I attend, poppies growing higher, I sniff, bent head, behind your warmth, your barrier I can be, I am growing like little poppies, so delicate and free.
You watch with pride as I explore the world, listen to my bubbling pearls, shared words of wisdom, windows of advice, entered my life at the point of thrice.
This free-spirited heart, she is confident, yes, but with discourse, accompaniment, her heart grows bigger, but less
is the moment when she needs many helping hands, yours is the one who clears past life’s memories, the ones which do not need to be saved.
I trust those little, impactful moments when my pride, it begins to swell. Borne not of arrogance but knowing the hard work I’ve put in has permitted future prose. Something I can be proud of, something I’ve placed my heart within, written with thoughtful pondering, becoming more as I work then rework certain wordings.
I soften myself; I’d grown hardened over the years, now I don’t need to be defensive, I’ve spoken, am speaking of my fears. And when they fall beneath eyes so kind, and ears warm with empathy and intent, I know, I know, I have found my home, words to be shared, not just purged or spent.
Lauren M. Hancock Poetry and Prose 
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