You can’t be here, she tells me, her mocking voice, her stuck out tongue. Yeah, you can’t be here! another girl joins in, you’re not wanted here, won’t you learn? My eyes become downcast, I shuffle away, my upper back curved, I want to shrink, disappear, I’ll let them have the final say. I don’t know why I’m so undesirable, this group is cruel, I only have one cause – to be loved and accepted and appreciated for who I was, because now, I am falling apart. With each taunt, each nasty means of bringing me down, you can’t be here, you can’t be here their words ring, I want to wring the danger away from my heart, the warning siren’s sound. Because part of me wants to hurt, to annihilate, though I am not vicious, not violently inclined, but how nice it would be to erase their memories, cause hurt, anger, and other feelings, to replace their nasty words of their days. It is as though I am unworthy, unworthy of being within their friendship group, and what, and why? I simply wanted to be seen for who I am, who I was, too. These two forms of me are different, one naïve and gullible, and the other jaded, yet saddened and broken, slightly hostile, what is it I am meant to do? To repair myself will take time, and to expose myself further to them will cause my soul to divide, but I yearn for their acceptance, their precious time, though it’s really worth nothing, or at least should be worth nothing as compared to mine. © 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved. Photo by Rodolfo Quirós from Pexels
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