Poem: won’t go back in time and keys with missing lines

Prior to falling mental ill again this year, I was soaring with confidence, happy, joyous, kind, loving. My illness makes me otherwise. I wanted to share this so you understood how I was before this. This was written in 2021. halfway through I commence another poem and you can sense the missing works removed and the switch in mindset commencing. I’m not sure why I am feeling I need to share, it’s just I feel I owe others some explanation for why everything has become so awry.

Thank you for reading.

no going back

i won’t go back in time

there’s no place to delve into what’s been resolved

my past is mine

it’s been settled

laid to rest

dragging up my history has become ancient

overtold

I reflected and ruminated

analysed and dictated

shared and separated

my innards from the despairing

from yearnings to their moorings

from desires to insufferable erring

I won’t show myself in my shadows

in my dimmed light

I spent those years struggling

fighting

to see myself

gain positive flight

growth

I want to move on

move forward

I’m doing so, already have

extenuating circumstances

grown in redemption

become a mature woman

knowing myself

slowly on my way to almost

entirely

learning me thread by thread

stitches made

joining stuffing to its surface

I have made myself stronger

unravel myself again?

I have no desire

I can express vulnerability

to others in a manner that doesn’t

negatively wallow,

damage, hurt myself,

tirelessly self-consciously stubbornly meander

I will tell my tales positively

I will share with blooming goodness and fragrant delight

perfection is not always present in this life

but to share struggles, constant strife laid to rest,

why, I see no point.

self-growth is what concerns my mind,

my heart, dictates my soul,

to inspire with beauty and wonder

I want others to know my all

my discoveries,

self-knowledge, how I’ve become stronger

resilient whole

without needing the love of another

without being mended by the weavings of another’s story

why, that surely has merit itself.

watch me as I fly onward and upward

soar in the wind that confidently carries my body

airy free effervescent is this scene

I’m spread as heron wings

my whiteness vulnerable and precious

able to be besmirched or stained

but I’ll keep myself bright and pristine

no sense of fear

of revelation

no fright from fear nor strife.

Copyright © 2021 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.

2nd draft

no going back

I won’t go back in time

I’ve no place delving what’s been resolved

my past is mine

it’s been settled

laid to rest

won’t drag up history

ancient,

overtold.

already reflected and ruminated

analysed and dictated

shared and separated

dragged my innards from despairing

yielded yearnings from their moorings

sliced-diced desires from insufferable erring

I won’t reveal myself in shadows

by a dirty bespeckled light

I spent years struggling

to see hope,

myself

to gain growth

now I walk proudly

take positive flight

I wanted to move on

move forth

I’m doing so, already done

extenuating circumstances

enriched by redemption:

a maturing woman

finally knowing herself.

on a journey of almost

entirely

learning myself,

stitch by thread

seams made

joining stuffing to the surface

I have made myself stronger

unravel myself again?

I have no desire.

I can express vulnerability

in a manner which doesn’t

perpetually wallow,

damage, hurt, tarnish myself,

tirelessly, self-consciously, stubbornly meander

I tell my tales positively

share with blooming goodness and fragrant delight

perfection may not always be present in this life

but to share struggles, constant strife already laid to rest,

why, I see no point,

my stability I will not test.

self-growth concerns my mind,

envelopes my heart, dictates my soul,

to inspire with beauty and wonder

I want others to know my all

my discoveries,

personal knowledge, how I’ve become wiser

resilient, whole

without needing love or approval of another

without needing mending by wefts of the tale of another

why, that surely has merit itself.

watch me as I fly onward and upward

soar in the wind that confidently treasures my body

airy free effervescent is this scene

I’m spread as heron wings

my whiteness vulnerable and precious

easily besmirched or stained

but I’ll keep myself bright and pristine

no sense of fear

of revelation

no fright from fear nor strife

no endings

only the beginning of new life.

to explore with colours and words

my universe our universe what God has given to us

and I see the tapestry of the world now

with its stitches weavings of colourful wool and such

perhaps gentle shining silken thread

I’m not sure who has contributed to this art

there are no names no tags no copyrights

just a share

a conglomeration of beauty and pain and wonder and hope

and everything within the existence of the human feeling scope

it pains me to view some areas but I will move on move on

from these emotions because the way I want to live

to operate to breathe

is with a sense of reverence and freedom

immense gratitude for this life that I live.

the blueprint of my life thus mapped

formerly detailed and bent,

corrected straightened light

peaceful direct,

and pointed, poignant, heaven sent….

I don’t digress, live for bliss and moments

but the poetess within me turns to justice

I smile so widely and beam politely

knowing that the blueprint is fine and dandy

there’s no need for alterations

locks changed, forced ill-communications

the potion, portion, nay, patent is right, decidedly,

traversing false insinuations.

who needs instructions ‘bout operation

no bent cupid’s doll to be explored nor teased

there are no answers only keys

keys upon my pristine skin.

for in my skin this hope be in,

within a rose oh, how I know

unravelling delightful prose

irreverent reverence ultimately knows,

I’ll feel fierce scent of acidity flood my soul,

intoxicating insignias wafting to my nose.

there’s no danger any longer

could not give a damn ‘bout spiteful strangers

some negative others naysaying

behind straightened hands

I am pure I am truth I am goodness

won’t you ask any chosen man?

I speak from the heart

dedicate my words

look to my spirit

it shines with rugged proof

knowing know there’s room for progress

I’ve redesigned the blueprint

there’s nothing dangerous, ill-fated nor complicated

to it.

so unravel their hints

their cloying intent

I don’t mind being spoken of,

but I’d rather productivity, time well spent,

no true inclination behind unkind cruelty

whilst alongside mint green karma flows with ease   

toward the heart

the force of life

tattooed key

home chakra

happy universe –

happy fortunate wife.

Copyright © 2021 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.

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