Poem: Darling, Am I Too Much? – 14/01/20

My darling,
is it too much that I speak?
Are my vowels out of turn, yowling into paining ear drums?
My articulated consonants taut at the edge of profanity,
is it too much, too much,
too much so, that I speak?
 
Best I jot thoughts down then, with an infernal rage,
cast them aside,
or scribbled or scrawled out of existence,
or ripped to shreds, like a tiger
I know how to decimate,
it has been bred within me,
I know my claws will take.
 
My filter barely sits at the base of my spine,
where, like at the hands of a maniacal chiropractor,
I’ve been manipulated after much time,
and the emotions, they shoot up with
an impermanence that I cannot bear to control,
the scars left behind by the bubbling brew of sharply bit dialogue
promises and lies
enrage me more,
stitch me up further,
I vow to you:
I will no longer suffer.
 
I will talk out of turn,
I will continue to voice truthful opinions,
my internal wefts, no matter how light or sooty they present,
I will curl my fingernails into my palm just to feel the pain,
to remember who I am,
to wake up,
to be on par with who I’m trying to be,
who I am.
 
My darling,
I am so sorry that I spoke out of turn,
permit me to begrudge myself of any relevance,
I wasn’t entirely aware that such a timely shift had occurred.
 
Perhaps you will hear me as a voice,
when you lay your head down to rest,
wishing to dream of a land of perfection and love and
forward momentum,
when I know convoluted nightmares are the trappings
behind eyes that failed to prize the signs of my moving forward
and making my life more adapted to my dreams.
 
I’m not sorry at all,
because I was cut off at the seams.  
  
© 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
All images signed “LMH”
are copyrighted 2019-2020 by Lauren M. Hancock
and all rights reserved.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

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