I’ve painted myself into a corner, with heavy shades of red and black, crimson for the heartache, darkness for the emptiness after the fact. When I lost access to my chaotic world, a paradise I shouldn't have cherished, I felt broken, no recourse, misunderstood, essentially alone: Whom could I waltz through life with now? Whom was left to cast my charming smiles upon, to share my lofty views in excited tones? When he or she or another one left, and those other important ones, too, it seemed as if I’d lost my everything, but now, at these warped memories I wonder: who on earth were you? They had little lasting impact on my life, simply passers-by who only meant themselves well, their sudden absences without alibis, their silences spoke their truths, I am now completely underwhelmed. Selfish needs later attended to after some uncomfortable, hastily arranged dates - their halfhearted, lackluster attention cast over foamed four dollar coffees - 'wise investments': I was viewed as a stock market who should pay dividends later that day. I proved so desperately hopeful for positive connections, genuine interactions, yet my lonely eagerness, was perceived as a targeted weakness, I would later bend, shatter, and break. Some chanced manipulation to slyly extract from me without my whole realisation or knowing, because I was sitting there smiling, consenting, hopefully waiting, my obvious yearning for acceptance continually, perpetually growing, like hungering, destructive flames, they consumed me. Made pliable, easily melded, I allowed my resolve and will to be bent, to be repeatedly stung red-raw as though by a heated iron poker's end, to be tarnished, and for what? Absolutely nothing, my efforts and emotions all ill spent. Yet another redundant contact to be eventually blocked or erased from view, naivety and gullibility stole the best of my younger years, this is an essential, festering truth. © 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved. Image by Marion Grimm from Pixabay
YouTube Poem videos: Lauren M. Hancock Poetry
