I once had a metaphorical finger waggled in front of my face: “I know what you want.”
“Stability,” I blurted out.
I needed to feel settled, I needed to feel wanted, I needed to feel, well, loved. I had been on a trek through life trying to find the right one – is there even such a thing for me? I’d occasionally wonder.
But the truth of the matter is, I was yearning, desperately hoping that the one who asked me was the right one. It was not meant to be. Details are frivolous, yet the feelings behind them are not.
I knew that I needed to firstly love myself, but how could I be expected to do so when every part of me screamed that I wasn’t good enough? I had my head in the clouds, peeking through to the sun, and still, the damage to my eyes in the glare was done.
I was imperfectly perfect, as well are, as we all are designed to be. Nothing personal, but we can counter ourselves in the wind or the air, or upon the land, or in fire, or within the sea, all we need is a slight understanding of the word ‘Me’, and what it encompasses.
It speaks of everything that we are, within two simple letters, capitalised, not, Meeeee, I can yawn the vowels out wide, like a yowling cat, a mama I’m still to find.
My search would continue on, the search for myself swept to the side, and in every new face I met, there was a lack of recognition, a mirroring that wasn’t present in the eyes before me in which I was searching.
Maybe one day, this stability would come. Maybe the next day, or the day after that, my desire would come to fruition, and become whole and known.
© 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
Image by Andreas Breitling from Pixabay
Return to All Posts