Poem: Still Surprisingly Numb – 02/07/20

As our car enters
our street,
around the bend
the surprising sunshine greets,

glorious, positive, shining,
it strangely has
no effect upon me.

Where once I felt the
warmth, the sunshine’s smile,
now I remain hollow,
there’s nothing brightening

All I can remember,
all I can recall,
are the feelings of
when will I succumb
to something
more positive?

It seems that while the weeks
of introversion have
yielded some success for me,

the negative side
of excessive rumination
is that my eyes are now
stained pensive,
accompanied by a
despairing lullaby,
with no clearly visible dreams.

Bright colours,
warming garments,
vivid flowers,
used to heighten
the corners of my lips,

though now at these
I stare blankly,
my eyes and heart
are underwhelmed.

When did I permit
all to be ordinary?
Artistic inclinations
no longer on the rise,

a dulling effect
upon me now,
a colour is just
a colour,
no feelings or associations
to see,
to tempt my mind.

To look out the
window to the garden,
yes, a winter’s bed
is still beautiful,

the way the sunlight
basks upon the plants,
bird sculptures seem to dance,
bird baths slowly collect,
gently clanging hanging chimes,
a world carefully constructed
yet it’s no longer part of mine.

When will these
feelings pass?
I feel so stuck,
encumbered then by this negativity
which fails to cease,

I need to rid myself of this
pessimistic realism
as I have deemed it,
there is no need to fall into
a wintry storm,

where the unwanted snow
dumps its fall of
powder-soft drift,
and I don’t even scramble because
I cannot be bothered
with freeing myself.

So, I freeze,
due to my despondency,
my inability, 
my lack of desire to escape
will long keep me
from roaming free.

© 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

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  1. I struggled for years against negative thoughts. It was an horrendously ironic moment that stopped the pessemistic voice for me. Since age 16 up to around 34 I was always fighting, I realised who is the fighter – I was always creating the positive, that’s when I learned I was the creator within and in turn broke the dualistic cycle of the for and against argument within. That struggle teaches so many skills. I don’t wish it on anyone, but once your out of the struggle, the single string bow you started with ends up as an immaculate, powerful composite bow after your struggles. I’m curious if these dualistic struggles are related purely to adult development years.

    Liked by 1 person

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