Poem: Too Much Time – 02/07/20

I’ve too much time on my hands.
For some, this would be paradise,
but for me, it’s a continual, 
rising obsession of poetry
and revisions filling my mind.
 
I can spend hours and hours 
retouching a word,
retouching another phrase, 
here and there,

rephrasing this and rewording that,
the stresses of syllables 
hold great power,
I am aware.
 
Too much time is dangerous,
I work arduously and arduously
even if my words may be 
ill received,
 
I strive for perfection,
the utmost that I can,
though I need to recognise my work
isn’t the centre of everything,
it is not all-encompassing.
 
But, for me, it’s a driving obsession,
the need to write, correct, 
edit and rephrase, 
to ‘right the wrongs’,
as they say,

my words, they have 
too much time
to be altered,
at night, I lay stagnant yet wide awake.
 
My phrases cannot sit and marinate
in their juices of potent honesty,
because, I won’t allow this:
changes and niggling, 
internal suggestions
are currently what compel me.
 
So, what to do with 
this obsession?
This drive for perfection, 
or as close to it?

The need to present the best I can,
that’s healthy,
but this method I’m experiencing 
is causing an unpleasant reaction.
 
I could close the computer down,
walk away for days or hours,
but I’m far too attached;
I’m stuck,

to write continually 
is my life now,
it has become that 
part of me where upon
the gap in my heart 
has been sewn.

The stitching, the patching,
of that broken, 
missing piece,
is now where 
bushels of words and truth
are overgrown,

and my words, 
in your mind, 
I will speak –
I’ll find it difficult if I were 
to ever let go.
 
Too much time has its setbacks,
I’ll shut my notebook, 
close the computer down,
when will I learn to 
slow my mind down?     

When will I learn to 
leave my words alone?

© 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved. 
Image by nile from Pixabay

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4 Comments

  1. I used to write a great deal too. When I was ill and in recovery, I would spend all hours of day and night pondering quotes, meanings, the brain, myself, people. I would wonder everything. I was so into it I bought a voice recorder for work. The people I worked with seriously hated me recording thoughts during work.

    But when we focus on things, I personally go head first and super deep, to just immerse completely in the enjoyment of it all. I relate to any sense of anguish pertaining to perfection also. The martial arts I train I was fantastical. Perfection was all I pursued. That and speed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A curious mind is an astounding thing, assisting one to search near, far and abroad for answers to wonderings. 🙂 That’s cool how you brought a recorder to word to track your thoughts. I wonder at the mindset of the other people who were upset that you recorded, maybe they thought it was a disruption. Still, they could have been encouraging.

      Perfection and speed sound like ultimate goals in martial arts, what type of martial arts did you train in?

      Like

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