Reflective Piece: ‘Inane Thoughts’ and Combating Low Self-Esteem

When I was younger, I used to worry about the most inane of things. 

Why didn't I have enough Facebook friends, why didn't that boy call me back? Was there something wrong with me? Was I too overwhelming with my contact?

Then, how many calories in a thin slice of Cracker Barrel cheese? Because if I was going to eat heavy dairy, it be better taste-worthy. How much mass could I lose in one day? If the scales said 300 grams I'd be disappointed but at least it was something, right?

So, if I stopped drinking as much fluid to fill my stomach up, then surely the numbers would drop more?
Because I felt beautiful when I was skin and bone, did that make me otherwise when I was not?

Why were other people more confident than me? Why wasn't I progressing in life as easily?
Why did I get sick? Depressed, obsessed, manic? Why did I have these mental illnesses? 

I guess some of the questions weren't so inane, after all. 

A lonely girl on a broken path, wondering where she fit, trying to locate the scattered pieces of herself. 

And then I started to realise:

It wasn't about how I looked. It was about my personal outlook. How I viewed the world determined my emotions. And the way I treated others had a reactive effect on the way I then felt about myself. My self esteem slowly stopped plummeting when I stopped obsessing about appearances. Why had I focused so intensely on how I was viewed and perceived? A body is just a shell.  

When I thought less of myself and more about the world around me, such as passions and interests, my friends, my family, suddenly, things started to be less scary.

I became... happy. Then, happier, then satisfied in myself. I began to again chase my dreams, my passions, fervently. Weight became a non-issue. In fact, I became the opposite of what I long strove for, but it didn't matter to me, not anymore, because I accepted an image is an image, and a personal truth and belief can be but a mirage. 

Why am I writing all this? Why am I sharing these thoughts, you might wonder?

I want to share there's a silver lining to every cloud, no matter whether one's suffering, internally aching, unable to speak up about what is paining them. Please know you're stronger than you think.  

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