Overwhelmed, called away from the line of duty, what do I recall? What is there to own as mine? Treasures of memories from a trove.
Responsibility must be taken, I can encompass my decisions as a whole, the knowledge that I’m assisting, even in small increments, helping growth.
Of course, I cannot change others’ weaknesses, I cannot control their reactions and commotions, that is one left for the yearbook, something to reflect upon during the consideration of the year’s cessation.
They can and will either learn to sink or swim, I cannot make the decisions for them, only self-advocacy, support, and aiding achievements, the look upon their faces when having gained a success, the lilt in their voices when they’ve grown and a future’s been seen, now that is something to cherish, the first sign of the land of Inbetween.
I try to light the way for myself, only me at the present, for myself I can only take responsibility, but maybe in the future I’ll brighten the paths of others, allowing them to feel illumination from my positive attitude and candour.
I smile and I dance into my path of least resistance, of least duress, the lantern which dangles from my wrist is warming, and comforting, no less.
It shines so brightly it sears my eyes, I have to be careful not to glance at it for too long, it provides me ample light to distinguish the darkness from the path ahead, and promising me relief at last.
There is pride in following a path of truth, there is great merit in exploring one’s past as well as their humble heart and mind, within their corporal home, swimming spirituality imbues,
and there is magic in progressing forward and in the knowing, that I will continue to create, to make, to attain, to not have to again hide myself from the world, having to refrain.
Refraining from shining is old news, now is the time to explore the inner strength, fortitude, strident being that I am.
I tried to light the way for myself, but now I feel strong enough to take on the responsibility of assisting and guiding others, perhaps I can be their mentor, perhaps they can in turn mentor me, and in a circle of knowledge we will dance and feel joyous, so happy, inextricably.
Rolling waves in my mind pass by, sumptuous, decadent, tidal, in their own time, I smile to myself as I feel the ebb and the flow of my thoughts travel singularly then as one, a conglomeration of multitudes, my will, coming along so beautifully, they could temporarily stun.
This is my time, my springtime of my middle youth, where I have now grown and prematurely gone to pasture and I am taking in all I can, this is truth.
I am relaxing in my moments, I am sinking in the hay, I am enjoying the fresh wind, the air, the breeze, it softens me, I smile to myself, and I wish that I could stay.
I am at one with this world, I am becoming the strength I’ve long searched for, what I’ve needed, what I’ve come to depend upon others for, but now I am powerful, and I can ride those waves as though upon a creature battling the crests, with magical chimes and announcements sounding all around that I have arrived.
I am profound, or at least, I believe I am, I hear these sounds, I take in the smiles, the welcoming body language and calls of my family, from the land, the water, the pastures, oh, such wanted sounds.
I am accepted, but more importantly, I am accepting myself finally, I am here, in mind, body and spirit, finally, as one, not separate entities,
and off the cuff, I compose gentle words in my mind as I watch the waves rise and fall,
my heart, my mind, my presence, I will accept myself, flaws and all.
The sun beams down upon me: he is happy with me today. Sometimes he is disappointed, other times he may be sorely dismayed.
But I can tell from his loving warmth which spreads upon my complexion that today he is pleased with me, and the steps I am undertaking in my life to cause positive action.
I am able to draw upon experiences which, though once painful and caused such internal suffering, can now be turned into something positive, as though to say,
“Look where I came from, and where I have been,”
then the comparison of what is fruitful and kind, and what I have become, why, I’ve become myself again: from previous terrors there is no need to run and hide.
The illness, the illnesses, the secondary causes, the uncontrollable sense of living, it was in no way assured.
I lived flighty, in soaring delusional heights, I didn’t know what I was doing, only wished for worlds to explore and as I crashed and burned many a-time, faux pas and mental instability a-plenty, I wonder now, how it is that I am still here, alive, writing line upon line.
But I have healed from the brokenness, the fragility, the shattered scenes, and here I am, living freely and openly breathing.
I am here, and I will take each opportunity as wholly mine, there is no need, no reasoning, to falter again, or trip down the line.
The sun twinkles in the corner of my eye, I think I see him wink. I now know for certain that he is inextricably pleased.
It’s like in your life the season is spring, everything is regenerating; all is coming to life again.
The flower buds protrude, the birds in their nests become obsessed with their new fledgings.
Parents anxiously feeding, fussing, brightness and flock of a feather becoming.
Your heart swells at the feeling that you too are appreciated, looked after, cared for with great gentleness and self-assurance.
Not by another but by yourself, you almost feel as if you don’t deserve these moments here in this peaceful, blossoming world where you have assigned a place of love, a place of comfort, a place of personal growth.
Because here you will know of this more, soon when you realise that you are overdue for everything brilliant, because for you, my sweet, there are many open doors.
So do not cry at the notion that you are less than deserving, do not allow a single tear to fall unless it is from your personal feeling of a blessing.
And please love yourself within the headiness of this springtime air, embrace the birds, the circling bees, the hanging trees with their veils to avoid their hidden passageways being seen.
Your heart needs to be open and willingly prepared for this care.
She joyously twirls bright ribbons yet feels dead inside, With a knowledge that what was once there, Fresh-faced, bright, youthful, still alive, Is now broken, irreparable, Scattered in pieces upon the stage, An urban pavement, Nothing to show for the destruction, No sense of inner pride or holding her head up high.
Her dolly-brightness is a façade The light and shade a humorous method At relaying that inside she is still ignited Still burning with life; One only has to look at her lack of brightened eyes To take in this scene with a sense of absent mirth.
Oh, how she could have reached the heights Become more than she had ever been How she could have flown into the hemisphere Succeeding and achieving at building a life Of her own.
But here she is Dead as a doornail because of the path that she chose, To vacuously entertain and be admired rather than use her mind, To exercise the chemistry of her intelligent brain
For a while she was simply an amusement A joke Something mocked behind open hands Just something to be viewed in passing upon the set stage.
But with time, hopefully she’ll rectify her life Breathe in once more And live a great freedom, a life Without recollection of that strife.
Because dollies are meant to play Entertain their owners Give them joy for hours upon days And seemingly there is nothing wrong With amusing another When it is performed with great respect of oneself And with an allowance of renewed life and vigour.
Thus, with her self-justification and self-talk She feels less dead inside now, Her stitched-shut eyes now become visible once more, Brightened with the knowledge that her presence is again wanted She is popular, Not cast aside onto the floor.
A renewed sense of popularity, A chance to regain a zest for life, To provide them with who she was meant to be - Now, She throws down her ribbons Which kept her bound and down.
Altered, affected and no longer ill at ease She strives for something more, Something less vapid, A role in life where she could be Acknowledged as being more than what she’d been designed for, Her eyes are finally open enough to see.
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