Tag: self esteem

  • Poem: Fashionable Undertakings – 06/09/21

    Poem: Fashionable Undertakings – 06/09/21

    My confidence in self-expression,
    I don’t care for looks of derision,
    curious undertakings,
    the strangers I sometimes catch glancing,
    I wear my big heavy boots with pride,
    wear dark makeup all I like,
    I dress how I want without hindrance,
    it may seem to others a small decision.

    But I am being bold, letting my choices
    break the mould,
    I don’t care for judgements or disapproval,
    my approval is the only type I need to view.
    Being confident in myself used to be much of
    a chore,
    for I dressed, presented in ways
    that called for attention, of other’s approval
    I did implore.

    Nowadays, I please myself, yearning I am not
    to be noticed and accepted for someone that I
    really was not,
    no longer clothed in garb that screamed for their eyes,
    bare naked skin,
    exposed legs, soft thighs.
    I walk the streets and shops in elaborate heavy boots,
    shiny accessories,
    caring not for looks of affection,
    I express in my own style,
    it may glean attention,
    but it’s not doing so
    for the most incorrect of reasons.

    Copyright © 2021 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
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  • Poem: A Timely Smile – 28/01/21

    Poem: A Timely Smile – 28/01/21

    This smile, she is timely,
    she has arrived well and alive,
    with her presence her owner will revive,
    feel stronger,
    amazing,
    and whole.

    There were calls for her demise,
    suffocations of her interior,
    breath caught in her lungs,
    catching at the escape,
    wishing for the air never to be free nor fly,
    but now, a rapid sigh of relief,
    a time of kingly brightness and benevolence
    as a hand reaches out to warm and caress.

    The air no longer is dry, dead,
    nor stale,
    but the validity of her smile is it’s alive
    for all to see:
    we can see those teeth flash bright for miles and miles.

    And the succinct fact is the woman’s happy,
    she doesn’t need to be given this or that to be lively,
    she is creating her life as priority,
    her satisfaction as part of her personality,
    she’s no longer reaching out to all as an anomaly,
    wishing to appeal or appease,
    no, those moments begged for her to leave.

    She wasn’t required,
    she wasn’t necessary,
    but she is enough, enough,
    she calls freely,
    a triumphant self-awareness of her worth and truth,
    there’s no cause for her persistence to be belittled,
    for between those days and now there is
    much mental and physical distance to view.

    © 2021 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
    Photo by Vicky Hladynets on Unsplash

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  • Poem: Good Enough – 17/12/20

    Poem: Good Enough – 17/12/20

    Preparation and anxiety
    will I be good enough, can they, will they see?
    Can’t they understand that this is a mere portion of me?
    Will they judge this slice of myself I’ve allowed them to hold, made myself free?

    For interest’s sake of understanding myself,
    I’ve had to type and analyse myself,
    not the present but the past,
    it is how the foundations knew
    how to be rise forth
    from my prior despair and gloom.

    It is not a refection of my current self,
    it is not a mirror image of how I’d be, left upon the shelf,
    the documentation is a detailing of facts and feelings,
    emotions and dealings,
    and my god,
    I scraped through hell for this material.

    I now lie in bed,
    grasping the sheets of paper tight to my chest
    as I stare blankly at the ceiling.
    perhaps I will be good enough, after all.

    © 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
    Photo by Evelyn Clement on Unsplash

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  • Reflective Piece: ‘Inane Thoughts’ and Combating Low Self-Esteem

    Reflective Piece: ‘Inane Thoughts’ and Combating Low Self-Esteem

    When I was younger, I used to worry about the most inane of things. 
    
    Why didn't I have enough Facebook friends, why didn't that boy call me back? Was there something wrong with me? Was I too overwhelming with my contact?
    
    Then, how many calories in a thin slice of Cracker Barrel cheese? Because if I was going to eat heavy dairy, it be better taste-worthy. How much mass could I lose in one day? If the scales said 300 grams I'd be disappointed but at least it was something, right?
    
    So, if I stopped drinking as much fluid to fill my stomach up, then surely the numbers would drop more?
    Because I felt beautiful when I was skin and bone, did that make me otherwise when I was not?
    
    Why were other people more confident than me? Why wasn't I progressing in life as easily?
    Why did I get sick? Depressed, obsessed, manic? Why did I have these mental illnesses? 
    
    I guess some of the questions weren't so inane, after all. 
    
    A lonely girl on a broken path, wondering where she fit, trying to locate the scattered pieces of herself. 
    
    And then I started to realise:
    
    It wasn't about how I looked. It was about my personal outlook. How I viewed the world determined my emotions. And the way I treated others had a reactive effect on the way I then felt about myself. My self esteem slowly stopped plummeting when I stopped obsessing about appearances. Why had I focused so intensely on how I was viewed and perceived? A body is just a shell.  
    
    When I thought less of myself and more about the world around me, such as passions and interests, my friends, my family, suddenly, things started to be less scary.
    
    I became... happy. Then, happier, then satisfied in myself. I began to again chase my dreams, my passions, fervently. Weight became a non-issue. In fact, I became the opposite of what I long strove for, but it didn't matter to me, not anymore, because I accepted an image is an image, and a personal truth and belief can be but a mirage. 
    
    Why am I writing all this? Why am I sharing these thoughts, you might wonder?
    
    I want to share there's a silver lining to every cloud, no matter whether one's suffering, internally aching, unable to speak up about what is paining them. Please know you're stronger than you think.  

  • Poem: Damsel in Distress – 22/03/20

    Poem: Damsel in Distress – 22/03/20

    I used to be a damsel in distress,
    I called and called to them,
    to assist me with my longing heart,
    yet all of them decided to leave.
     
    I worked so hard on being that
    which portrayed what I felt was visual worth,
    without understanding that what mattered 
    was not essentially looks
    but a kind, warm, and caring heart.
     
    Others stared as I went on by,
    my chest filled with pride 
    at knowing that I had drawn their eyes,
    but what I didn’t realise was that 
    I was only striking for a second,
    perhaps when I opened my mouth I’d lose their attention.
     
    In distress was I, 
    I wanted to be known,
    acknowledged,
    accepted,
    to be understood,
    to receive the gratification that came with being wanted,
    the validation I'd glean inside.
     
    However, the turnstiles kept turning,
    and the admirers kept disappearing,
    only there for a few fleeting seconds,
    I became more daring.
     
    Then underneath it all,
    I slowly realised
    that I needed to work on myself,
    not on the outer, exterior view,
    what mattered was my mind.
     
    My inner truths,
    the way I would treat mankind,
    and the most important things of all were love
    and the fact that I was grateful,
    that I was still breathing,
    despite the haphazard, lethal points in my life.
    
    © 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
    Photo by Alice Alinari on Unsplash

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  • Poem: “I am enough” – 12/01/20

    Poem: “I am enough” – 12/01/20

     I am enough the way I am, she scrawls over and over
     on the draft paper for algebra which 
     she really has no use for, 
     her math is terrible, best use 
     the sheets as they are to scratch and scrawl.
     Enough, enough, enough,
     she traces the letters, feeds the words,
     perhaps one day another person she’ll enthrall.
      
     An understanding that if she writes the phrase 
     often enough it’ll ring true,
     a sudden belief structure then reverently erected 
     like a mosque or a church
     present to preserve self-acceptance 
     and worship of her own worth
     for she does not accept these words, 
     round and round her calligraphy swirls.
      
     Empty loops and hollow introspection exist,
     to her, she is nothing right now, she is yet to become.
     The ink drags along with her flowing hand,
     reflections of prior motions, 
     self-directions.
      
     But enough, enough! with this self-pity and deep sadness,
     at a lack of acknowledgement for 
     her true internal development,
     she is enough, 
     always has been,
     always will,
     so saddening she needed to ink the phrase upon her skin. 
      
     Because now the mark speaks of how 
     she believed she was not enough,
     so much so that, insecurity rose and drowned her,
     to pay someone to mark her for life,
     with words in a calligraphy that was not mine. 
      
     © 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
     All images signed “LMH” 
     are copyrighted 2019-2020 by Lauren M. Hancock 
     and all rights reserved. 
    
     Photo by Bich Tran from Pexels         

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  • Poem: “I am enough” – 12/01/20

    Poem: “I am enough” – 12/01/20

     I am enough the way I am, she scrawls over and over
     on the draft paper for algebra which 
     she really has no use for, 
     her math is terrible, best use 
     the sheets as they are to scratch and scrawl.
     Enough, enough, enough,
     she traces the letters, feeds the words,
     perhaps one day another person she’ll enthrall.
      
     An understanding that if she writes the phrase 
     often enough it’ll ring true,
     a sudden belief structure then reverently erected 
     like a mosque or a church
     present to preserve self-acceptance 
     and worship of her own worth
     for she does not accept these words, 
     round and round her calligraphy swirls.
      
     Empty loops and hollow introspection exist,
     to her, she is nothing right now, she is yet to become.
     The ink drags along with her flowing hand,
     reflections of prior motions, 
     self-directions.
      
     But enough, enough! with this self-pity and deep sadness,
     at a lack of acknowledgement for 
     her true internal development,
     she is enough, 
     always has been,
     always will,
     so saddening she needed to ink the phrase upon her skin. 
      
     Because now the mark speaks of how 
     she believed she was not enough,
     so much so that, insecurity rose and drowned her,
     to pay someone to mark her for life,
     with words in a calligraphy that was not mine. 
      
     © 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
     All images signed “LMH” 
     are copyrighted 2019-2020 by Lauren M. Hancock 
     and all rights reserved. 
    
     Photo by Bich Tran from Pexels         

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  • Poem: “The Angular Monstrosity” – 24/09/19

    Poem: “The Angular Monstrosity” – 24/09/19

     She rises from the depths
    from the phantom-riddled deep
    the angular monstrosity of the high North Sea.
     
    She attempts to make a show of her pride
    with the way she presents herself
    a reflection of the way she views her interior —
    her internal kaleidoscopic picture.
     
    As a beautiful creature with so much to offer
    she cannot understand why observers would shriek run and hide
    when they would see her:
    Would they prefer she introverted,
    and be the one to emotionally and physically hide?
     
    What was so terrifying with her
    means of angularity
    of differing degrees of separation —
    the very thought of her apparent failings
    caused her severe crippling anxiety.
     
    Was she truly less than perfection?
    Was her interior view an entire riddled mess?
    How could she bear to survive when before others
    she was viewed as unwanted, undeserving, severely unblessed?
     
    What it all came down to
    was an understanding of self-acceptance
    that there was nothing there for this angular being to
    reconsider in a negative means
     
    nothing to make her feel her presence was
    unwarranted unnecessary completely underwhelming.
     
    Instead her heart beats with renewed vigour
    as we smile upon her, cheer her on,
    allow her to grow with her quiet confidence to reconsider
     
    that the negative views were borne of nothing true in reality
    and here she is in her beautiful angularity
    showing us her truths,
    in all her perfection and polarity of thoughts, feelings and views.   
     
    For we are all different but essentially we are one
    together our hearts can beat
    Our chest swollen with pride at knowing that
    we, like this beauty,
    are the emotionally strong ones.
     
    And for those who are not quite there yet
    you will make it with some work
    some trust
    some dispelling of inner hurt.
     
    You will make it, my friends,
    simply view our angular beauty as she
    twists and turns her limbs in celebration
    of her personal development and love and acceptance which
    we truly must commend.

    © 2019 Alice Well Art, Lauren M. Hancock also known as Alice Well. All rights reserved.


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  • Story: Love Without Self Punishment – 03/09/19

    Story: Love Without Self Punishment – 03/09/19

    With her eyes closed, she felt serene and free. Acceptance swirled within her like a welcoming mist, a self-love that had taken many years to grow, for herself to believe. Standing there with her curvaceous figure clad only in a bikini, she knew that years prior she wouldn’t have been comfortable in this size of clothing, wouldn’t dare to be seen. Now she felt a sense of quiet confidence. An accepting of who she was, what her image had become, so different from who she had once been. Unlike the yesterdays where she would shy away, embarrassed by a single stomach roll popping through her clothes, she had learned over time to simply appreciate and love herself. She had not always been so kind to herself, so many precious years had been wasted, pure happiness missed, completely wasted in the process.

    She’d lived through years of feeling pressured to conform to society’s norms, to be toned and thin, wear revealing, tight clothes, they were not only the pressures of society but a decision she had also thrown upon herself. She’d control and obsessively count her calories, exercise excessively, measure the deficits, plan out every meal to each macro and calorie, all for the need to be beautiful to herself and all, because she knew of the attention she’d draw, and she essentially wanted to be seen. She had been invisible for too long in her life up until now, a quiet girl, a wallflower of a woman, barely noticed by the world.

    But there came a time when she couldn’t control her world any longer, everything became far too difficult, she felt her mentality being somewhat snowed under. Her disordered thoughts and life became too tiring and too physically exhausting to keep up the effort and the pretenses, thus she allowed herself, reluctantly, to slip, and this did cause her much distress. But she couldn’t continue without risking breaking herself, in this life she had been abusing herself, and she knew that it was only a matter of time before her body broke internally, for the doctors with their worried expressions to shake their heads sadly.

    Then came the slow weight gains, then faster as she binged to subconsciously make up for the restrictions, and faster still her body would grow until she had regained to her original size, original weight, and then some more as well. She was dismayed, heartbroken because of all her prior control and hard work, there was nothing anymore to show for it, her memories she might as well throw unwanted, useless into the welcoming dirt. Her photos which she’d taken of herself over time were like a collage, a catalogue of attractive to not, in her eyes, she couldn’t accept herself, because this shape, this new form, was something she wished to be rid of. She couldn’t muster the energy to recommence with the tactics of shrinking again though, her secrets, her techniques, it was as though they were meant to be leaving her, this was the correct thing to do, it must be so.

    So, she carefully learned to love food again, she learned to enjoy every single bite. Not hating herself for wanting more, and reaching for the second serve, her body needed the vitamins, the sustenance, the help, to be healthy and alive. And no matter how many kilograms she was gaining and would gain, she understood that this was simply the course of Nature, and to not fixate upon the negatives, but the positives, such as improved health and happiness, this she would again and again. Sure, she was now classed as medically overweight but aside from a health factor what did this matter? As long as she had learned to be happy within herself, that was the feeling that mattered the most. It was a welcoming interior picture.

    Because for the first time in years she could enjoy a glass of regular Coca Cola, not fearing that one sip that may lead to another and another, and she could eat a slice of pizza without concern or care, and she could dress herself in a bikini and parade around the shop where she was trying it on there. There was no sign of her wanting to hide within the change room, calling over her friend to view her while she was still enclosed in it, a closet view, she was able to stand outside, look in the communal mirror from which she used to, when previously gaining, shy away from and hide, and now she closed her eyes again, breathed in and out, a deep sighing. How far she’d come from those years of great starvation.

    Never again would she punish her body, she would feed it whatever it so desired, she would provide it anything she wanted, without a single shred of guilt to be had. There was nothing to be self-conscious of, no matter whether her curved, bulging stomach was on show, in fact, this was a form of wondrous beauty in itself. In this bikini, her thick thighs and curvaceous hips were displayed, rather than hidden within a one-piece instead. And she somehow liked it this way, understanding in her heart that she must accept this was her body’s way of making her love what it had become, and to not alter herself again with any sense of unhealthy methods or desires or needs or wants. She didn’t care that her arms were now thicker, that her thighs rubbed against each other when she walked, pressing firmly together, that her chins were more prominent, because inner beauty was what she should prize the most.

    And appreciate herself for her interior that she did, no more worrying about what others would think of her, how she’d be viewed, judged or seen. She loved every part of herself, even her two wonky side teeth, and that was the end of the tale for this little former wallflower who had finally bloomed so delightfully.

    © 2019 Alice Well Art, Lauren M. Hancock also known as Alice Well. All rights reserved.

     


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  • Story: The Peculiar Kookaburra – 26/08/19

    Story: The Peculiar Kookaburra – 26/08/19

    The peculiar kookaburra had been slathered with many colours, by the children of Blue Heath, down the road. During his sleep they had quietly and carefully accosted him, and made him brighter and newer, covering his grey whiskers and whiter feathers, which betrayed him as being rather old. Their reasoning for doing so was to allow them some joy, that they could easily spot his coloured feathers every day, without having to look too hard, it was perhaps a selfish decision, but Kookaburra accepted his new colouring with great charm and no sense of anger or friction.

    This kookaburra was like an alarm clock, at five in the morning each day he would rise, and open his beak so very wide, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! he would emit, like a birdy siren which he possessed deep inside. Then the other birds woke up, he was accustomed to this, to providing them with their morning song bliss, and together they all sung their beautiful songs, then up rose the children from the farm, their eyes catching his colourfulness and the association with his song, their cacophony, a visual and ear splitting explosion.

    Kookaburra was known for his quirky looks, his different spiky punk hair, the looks he’d attract, the jealous and approving stares. Although his form was characteristic of others of his kind, his colouring and hair made him different, some might say he was one of a kind. He was a role model to the other birds, who were still of their fledgling status, little tiny grey birds, with wispy little feathers coming from their faces, nearby their beaks, near their noses, to them Kookaburra was an example of truly being oneself.

    Surely these grey birds would develop their colouring as they matured, but in the meantime, they associated with him more, until, their hopes of ‘catching’ his colouring failed to ring true, they didn’t know what to do except wait until their feathers turned bright pink, yellow, and blue! But Kookaburra failed to share with them his secret, that his hues were unnatural, they were man-made, so to speak, and because of this sham, the birds grew up disappointed, utterly, incredibly sad, at not having realised their dreams of being as bright as Kookaburra was, they were now not unlike their more plainer mums and dads.

    “Kookaburra, Kookaburra, where have you been?” called the children from Blue Heath, down the street. They had not seen him for many hours, ever so many days, nearly a week, it was as though he had been in hibernation, and because the birds were lacking his morning calls, they had been stilted in their morning rising and songs meant to be heard by all.

    “Nowhere,” replied Kookaburra obstinately. “I just wanted a break. I don’t look anything like the beauty of me that you once made.” And to the children’s surprise, they realised the paint had washed away, dripped or fallen, and now he was a mixture of mainly grey, brown, white and dark blue mottling. The colours which nature had presented him with, his natural hues, he didn’t know what on earth he should do.

    “What to do?” Kookaburra wailed. “I was so used to being different! At having the other birds and animals and children look upon me with admiration, keeping their eyes upon me with great insistence!” A tear fell from his right eye, and then another, one more from the left, and he began to wail, “Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka, I have failed.”

    The children were aghast, they didn’t know that the paint had made him feel so special, from the others, so apart, and they rushed home to their Father’s garage, to fetch his artist paints to create upon Kookaburra another layer, make him once more a man-made work of art. But to their astonishment, his paints were gone! In fact, the entire corner of the garage was stripped bare, nothing to see, an empty space, a broken heart, poor Kookaburra’s long face, when they relayed the news to him, his expression grew ill.

    “I shall be like the others,” he said saddened, eyes now downcast. “I will not be highlighted for what or who I am, I will be forced to conform, like your concrete, uniform pavers.” And slink away did Kookaburra, into his private area, and rest all night, and all morning, for a week would he until he realised that the false colouring should have meant nothing to him. It had merely been a means to brighten the children’s eyes, and effectively it had brightened his mood, and now that he had been rained on unexpectedly and cleaned, he knew what he needed to do, now and always.

    He would soldier on, he would perform his morning tasks with great style, with his previous flamboyance which still was within him, he would wake the county up with confidence, all the while. There was no need to feel inferior, just because he wasn’t the same, when in actual fact he had always been the same, a kookaburra was a kookaburra, no matter what his colouring, or his name. Beneath the surface, where his true heart and character laid, he would know this, and he was the confident, not so peculiar kookaburra with the utmost of singing prowess. He would not think of himself as anything but more, not less, and when his voice awoke the county, he sung his very best.

    © 2019 Alice Well Art, Lauren M. Hancock also known as Alice Well. All rights reserved. 


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