I lay my head softly to rest. It is morning, but I have been awake since eleven in the eve. I don’t toss and turn like some do when their mind is at unease, but I feel the dismay within. Or it may in fact be vehement, it may be sorrow, it may be “How did I find myself in this circumstance?”, my life begs of me, tells me there’s other ways to go, and I wish I were strong enough right now to explore those paths, to find a different way for myself.
Change appears to be imminent, to be calling for me, it is ripe like the wind bustling against furry spring peaches weighing down boughs, decorated by leaves, and I can almost smell their fresh scent beckoning me forth, tantalising, making me reach for the tree to pluck, pluck, pluck, to my heart’s content indeed.
As I shut my eyes gently, I imagine different circumstances and outcomes that would come from different decisions. Would I be happier, feel different, be led to a path anew? Or am I already on this path and don’t even know it, the path of self-discovery and finally, finally, renewed trust in myself and self-acceptance?
It has been years since I have wholly trusted myself and my judgement, and now it feels right, the air pregnant with expectation that I should take my reliance on myself back into my hands once more. I am stronger than I have allowed myself to be, I have allowed myself to wilt and have this lack of strength be believed. I am so much stronger than I have allowed myself to be.
In order to raise the valiant part of myself once more, I need to listen to my heart, hear what it tells me, and then in the silence, listen harder, some more. It is all a method of growing, and unlike those ripe peaches which were allowed to flourish and exist, I had permitted the death of my growth, but now, now, I must live! Stagnant had I become, but alive, now I must be, this process must become.
I will allow myself to breathe, and flow, and grow. In the mirror, I will smile during the process, carefully watching myself.
© 2020 Lauren M. Hancock. All rights reserved.
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
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